Fading Places…

Moving to a new apartment is a task. Right from packing up the smallest things you own to the biggest things your apartment owner does not know he owns, the process of packing in itself is an ordeal.

For me, however, the ordeal was more emotional than physical.

Moving out on my own was a decision I made a year back. I moved into this cosy, little nest like place sometime soon… And to my subconscious surprise, a new life had begun. I was liberated. Mostly off the awkward inhibitions one would have about the big, bad world out there. Notwithstanding of course that, I was part of it now.

And now, as I am packed once again and look around this place, devoid of my belongings, I feel strange. These mixed bittersweet memories rush through my veins as my eyes wander through the corners of the apartment.

This place had changed me. And I had changed this place.

I guess, most people, will believe there is a little bit of us in everything we leave. Same is the case with people. I let go of a large number of people from my life in the last year. Each of them has moved on in their life and yet, they did leave a little bit of themselves in me when they left.

So, as I close the corridors of this place and handover my last set of keys, I hope that this place holds a bit of me in itself. The walls might be repainted, but it would still hold my memories of leaning on it while it poured outside. The furniture may be refurbished, but it would still hold my sleepy Saturday stretches. And most of all, everything will be cleaned up to look like new, but it will still hold a little of the old me in its corridors.

Until then. Life beckons at yet another place.

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Never mentioned warnings about Growing Up!

At the end of every day, I feel confused about the due course of my life. When I was a teen, I never did think about a life. In my early twenties, I had the impression that life is a big long party and now in my late twenties, I cannot define my life in a sentence even, let alone a word. This phase of my life is apparently called  ‘Growing Up’. But whoever was to enlighten me about what ‘Growing Up’ actually meant? Here’s a list I conjured which could be dished up as warnings —

1. The world around you never will give a shit about you –

One always grows up in this cocoon of close co-dependent relationships and hopes to somewhat establish the same outside. As of today, I can then guarantee that the world outside was definitely brought up in a refugee camp then. Hostilities rise and so does indifference. All you can do is push your little turtle neck back into its shell, occasionally allowing a few very well chosen heads to induce ideas. It does take some rather painful experiences to realise that doesn’t it?

2. You can never affirm to a single group

School life belonged to school friends, college to the college mates. Once you begin with work, you belong to school friends, college mates, work buddies. If at all you find the time to socialise, you will belong to those friends. And after all of that, you may have still felt isolated. Ironic but true. Isn’t it?

3. You will attune yourself to the “Money Brings Happiness” statement.

And yet never be happy with any amount of money coming your way 🙂

4. You are bound to grow old PHYSICALLY.

That would mean greys, wrinkles, double chins, and sagging skins, sleeping by 10 in the evening, not forgetting the inability to go at it in bed ‘regularly’. To add to that, you are given just two choices – Die trying or love the term ‘aging gracefully’.

Special note to the women – Repeat the latter more often please.

5. The older you grow, the dumber you get.

Adulthood to me is a perfect hoax, made to mock the human psychology. You will never know what it is like to be a grown up. While sanity and age form two sides of the balance, sanity certainly goes for a toss when age gets started. You use a Blackberry to save time; you desperately file returns to save money, you ‘build an image’ to save your reputation and come back home to get inspired by ‘art of living’ quotes. Your ‘open book’ of life suddenly develops dog ears and you call them ‘complications’. Naivety becomes a virtue of the eccentric and/or crude. Perceptions begin clouding your judgement and before you know it, you are just one big tangle of a human being.

6. Life gets tragic as you grow..

As you grow, relationships will grow longer, but lives get shorter. What inspired you once will seem retarded now. What inspires you now, will seem retarded later. Optimism will also have its highs and lows leaving you to wonder whether anything is really worth the effort. At the end of the day, you choose not to give a shit to the things you used to give a shit about and end up being one of the world in (1)

On a brighter note,

All of this did not include the joy one can derive off growing up… Independence, A fighting spirit and a fat wallet to name a few. Whatsay??

In the words of Blue Oyster Cult,

I can’t see no reason to put up a fight,

I am livin’ to give the devil his due…

‘Cos I am burnin’, I am burnin’, I am burnin’ …For you.”

The “Forever” Fallacy

As someone who has been in and out of love so many times, I am often ridiculed about decisions regarding relationships by people. These people are mostly in the form of your parents, friends who are fond of ‘philosophising’ and ofcourse, hypocrites who change all rules for themselves 🙂

I just have one sentence for such people.

Get out of your delusions and get a life.

The commonest prevailing illusion is that love lasts forever. It is as good as saying, once a candle is lit, it remains lit forever. People fall in and out of love all the times and make the most impossible combinations. People you think you would never feel for will take your life by storm and make you think about them like no one else.  And when that moment comes along, people are unnerved from themselves. They become disgraceful, crazy, and absent-minded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Not the one who loves and is loved. Even for the moment. J

Folks, who keep saying that their love will remain forever, are mostly deceiving themselves.  When the one you love ceases to love you back, what causes an intended show-off of sadness is not love, but a bruised ego.

Most of us are extremely lonely and have this particular feeling of “being completely alone in this world”. It is this need for filling our inner void that we seek someone who would share our solitude.  And it isn’t wrong to allow people to make you happy. And vice versa.

Love passes, love dies and it hurts. And once the hurt subsides, one is ready to love again. To stretch the time frame is our option, but to ridicule someone else’s time frame is mere hypocrisy.

Some people can spend their entire lives longing for love. I am not one of them. And if you think, it isn’t right…You ought to go back to the Shakespearean era.

As for folks like me, who are less interested in the “why” and more interested in the “while” here’s a little something for you,

“Love calls – everywhere and always.
We’re sky bound.
Are you coming?” 

** Making a Superman like hand gesture. Now? **

Saying it Out Loud..

— Strong contender of the “Cheesiest Post of 2012 award —

Yet another day begins and I see you packing your bags in frantic and running for the airport. A hug here, a kiss there and off you go. The thought of you not here in this room next to me seems ridiculous and very very wrong. The moment, the door shuts, there is an odd nostalgia that sets foot right inside my head, making me wonder what I would do without you. Who will I send threats about coming home early? Who will I cook for? Who will I email about new places and restaurants to raid over the weekend?

I think about how it would be another winter morning and I will not have you coming over to my room to cosy up to me right at the break of dawn. I picture myself on Sunday mornings, these lazy Sunday mornings, when you will not lie all over my mattress under the pretext of it being “much softer and warmer” than yours. And how you continue to stay on it, until your “Earl Grey” isn’t ready. *Hmmph*

I try my hand at being practical. The idea of not having heady Saturday evening “drunk” conversations makes me miss you even more. Trashing the bosses, day dreaming of owning Porsches and clicking ourselves in our ‘drunken’ states, for fond memories, the next morning. Very practical, us. 🙂

All cheesy, sentimental crap indeed. But when you come home in some days, hold me and lie about coming back home only for me. Kiss my forehead, push my poodle-hair back and hide me in the warmth of your arms. Let me hold your back, make-believe that you are indeed here, rub my nose on your stubble and complain about your gruffly hair. Make me feel like your girl and the woman you want me to be.

Tell me not to love you so much, for there are evil eyes all over. And in that same breath, tell me that we’ll take care of it all. Then hold my hand and lead me into showing that it does suck to be a cynic, after all.  🙂

But for now, just come back soon >:D<

That ‘D’ Word

We desire to work upon a better way of living every day. However, as human beings, aren’t we designed to be slightly dissatisfied with everything that we do, achieve or simply gather? There is always this painstaking habit to ‘better the current situation’. We satisfy one desire and almost instantaneously, the world agitates another one for us to thrive upon.

Monks and spiritual leaders always mention about living with what we need, rather than living with what we want. But doesn’t one feel totally alive and equipped with purpose, when they begin wanting?

For example, after a month of hard work, I think I deserve to buy that new handbag laid out in the local store. A possible sense of entitlement attached to possessions is what makes it irresistible, I guess. But it still gives me happiness. Some call it momentary. Such string of moments can make a life as well. Perfectly healthy thought!

The gurus weren’t wrong however. Human needs are endless. And endless desires breed unchained contempt. Nobody would want a world of extremes now, would they?

You cannot call that wrong, can you?

Our affirmations should therefore be to push for better living while carefully controlling the influence of our desires. It is perfectly OK to want things as long as we don’t get pissed off when we don’t get them J

So, this New Year, I desire for MORE. Of value additions. Of meaningful relationships. Of substantiating love. Of travel. Of writing.

Of Myself.

What would you desire for this year?

Image courtesy – ISKCON’s Desire Tree

One Day..

Midst the much awaited release of MI-4 and Don 2, lay a tiny advertisement of Anne Hathaway’s “One Day”… Being a vintage photograph lover, the ad really caught my eye. And like a true movie buff, I picked this one to watch at home.

Very Fine Day Indeed 🙂

The Story –

Dexter (Jim Sturgess) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) meet at their college convocation in the summer of 1989. A drunken afternoon later, they sleep together. [not a hook-up, just a normal doze off]… Needless to say, they become great friends with the talking and stuff…The date then was 15th July, 1989 …aka Saint Swithun’s day. And from there begins a journey into the parallel lives of Dexter and Emma…significant tit-bits from their lives…and most importantly, what they were doing on the 15th July of each year, until 2011.

My Take –

Not an out and out romantic movie, One Day grabbed my attention because of its unconventional nature of depiction.  The art of continuing with times (introduction to late night shows in the 90’s) but also adding a touch of old school And-I-love-you-so romance has been very well portrayed. The thought of friends turning to lovers to friends and still watching the other’s back is very endearing. It does make you relate to a lot of different situations from your own life. And the ability to make a viewer relate to the movie is in my opinion, the biggest USP of a romantic movie.

Jim Sturgess , in his role as Dexter, played the bad boy to the tee. His portrayal of a person who didn’t quite have a fixed agenda in life and being popular inspite of it, was successful. You feel for his character. Sometimes, even against it J

The movie, however, belonged to Anne Hathaway. The portrayal of a demure Emma Morley, who went out of her way to love Dexter was absolutely wonderful. Her selflessness and the fact that she didnt give herself away inspite of it, was simply amazing. From her slim frame to her thick eye frames, Anne Hathaway walked away with the attention of the audience throughout the movie.  Simplicity has its own charm, I guess J

So, if you are a sucker for new storylines in the romantic genre, here’s a whiff of fresh air 😉

My Rating – A pretty high 4 on 5

Favourite Quote –

Emma to Dexter — I got to know you. You cured me of you. 

An Ode to English..

The other day, I was being chatted up by this fairly smart fella in a coffee shop. When it was time to leave, the young man finished with his farewell greetings and finally mentioned,

“You have a great day, ‘babes’!”

What and who on earth is ‘Babes’?  Did he see two or more of me? Did he, in all his subtlety, mean I was ‘Fat’? Or was it an “oh-look-I-am-so-cool” statement?

Whatever it was, it wasn’t cool.

It also set me thinking about the other words and grammar errors that would make the Shakespeares and Wildes of the world roll in their graves. The ones I could recollect —

  1. Anyways —   Really? Anyway.
  2.  
  3. I ‘only’ told her to do that — Yes you could tell her to do that. But ‘only’ you can make us Indians look so narcissistic.
  4.  
  5. Seriously’, she is a good person — And what makes you so serious about it?
  6.  
  7. What is your ‘good’ name? — Ok, my ‘good’ name is Dick. Now?
  8.  
  9. They did it, ‘no’?  — I fail to understand the question cos the No makes the answer irrelevant.  

I will not even hit the ‘Pronunciation’ patch ‘cos then I will get into the ‘Regional Diversity’ of it and this post will run into pages.

 

My Gujarati brothers will relate to this

 

Language Murderers, bah.

On Impending Absence…

**Off a hand-written epistolary **

It is 2.30 am. Moonlight stares at our bed, while you sleep in your noisy bliss. It is my fourth day straight, without a blink…just good enough to lie right before you wake. To see me in bed.  Next to you.

I can feel the distance between us …growing. The ever expanding emptiness and our growing silence only add to the sadness.  A quarter down, an empty pack of Marlboro Lights and Coldplay for company help me in sustaining emotions for one time being.

I often picture myself to be seated on the periphery of an arena used for training horses. They run within the periphery, galloping their lungs out, without a strain of emotion on their face. They had to get somewhere. 

After a tiring day, most steeds but one halted for rejuvenation. The unaltered relentless run of the outstanding one disturbed me though.  I wanted it to take a breather.

In my effort to slow it down, I saw passion raging in its eyes. It wasn’t meant to be stopped. 

That steed for me was you.

The cold December whiff reduces my turmoil to goose bumps. An urgent need to keep warm arises. Alas, you remain oblivious.

Hard to believe, tomorrow will be the last of me that you would see. For. Ever.

Most people accelerate into each other’s lives by shifting gears when the time is right. We however, drove in the reverse. And quite normally hence, it finally is a “You” and a “Me” and not an “Us” at the end of our story.

Reinstates my ideology, that love, in fact is pretty over rated.

I pushed the pen a little more onto the paper…and the nib broke.

 

Me.

Time Please!

“Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to nought
Or half a page of scribbled lines” – Floyd, Time

2011 has past by in a major jiffy. And in all this time, the words I’ve most used are “I’m busy”, “Can I call you back later”, “I am in a meeting” and “Man, I don’t have the time”. These are exclusive of the cusses and the cribs, of course. So, while I finally had the time to do ‘nothing’, I managed to break the activities that have been taking all my time in the past weeks… It looked something like this:

....

Yes, snoozing and sulking are an integral part of my ‘being’…They shan’t be replaced at any cost.  

I haven’t taken the endless grocery and other affiliate errands and I already have spent 168 hours of the week!  (ie 24 hours of the day per week).. It isn’t that I am complaining. And it isn’t about being busy either. It just gets to my nerves sometimes.

I missed my nephew’s birthday yesterday…And in that frustration; I ended up desiring for more than 24 hours a day. 

Thought spirals twirl making me think…26 seems to be the magic number.It would just be so much more feasible! I could pack in time to blog more often. Choose the right clothes while going to work, shit longer, look better than usual, gobble slower, read relevant and thoughtful columns in the newspaper, surf to know facts well, play table tennis, learn a new language, play some more ping pong, plan a holiday, phew! Oh oh… most importantly, EXPRESS more! Talk more to the folks, not have that stupid straight face in social meetings (since I don’t remember people anymore); hold hands more often, smile some more and not think about an impending meeting during that time! See there’s a ‘MORE’ everywhere.

Harsh realities snigger up at the wrong times though. The work phone rings, chopping my thought-spiral right then.

Geography is limited. The earth won’t slow down. It already takes 365 days to take one stupid route around the sun. If it slow danced on the rotation, we would have to deal with a longer year.

Besides whom am I kidding? I can only desire to do the above mentioned things to prove my time extension point. In The Dead Kennedy’s words,

How I wish that there were more/Than twenty-four hours in the day/Cause even if there were forty more/I wouldn’t sleep a minute anyway”

Desires, bah.

Idiosyncrasy of Romance

I have been very annoyingly busy off late. As Brian Flanagan would have mentioned, “Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours”…

But that hasn’t stop me from reading, observation and more importantly JUDGING 😛 … Continuing on this trail of thoughts, I bring to you my own set of the “Crass Hypocrisy” …This section would deal with all the philosophies that can be so well argued upon that its existence in itself starts seeming  stupid.

I want to speak about “Romance” today. I recently read this somewhere,

“In this fast paced world, romance has died out. Kids today, meet up in pubs and bars; sleep with each other and break-up a few months later. Where has the romance gone?”

Let’s start off with:

ro·mance (r -ma ns , r mans ) [ according to thefreedictionary.com]

a. A love affair.

b. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love:

c. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something

There has been no mention of time, age and location in any of the above meanings here.  Where did the statement even come from?

There could be a few assumptions here –

  1. An unhappy self
  2. An unhappy relationship
  3. Old age
  4. Conservation of thoughts
  5. Nothing really,  just speaking ‘cos one has to (there are people who do this)

Most of us would agree with the ‘Sour Grapes’ phenomenon in cases 1, 2 and 3. The place where a person believes ‘If I can’t get it, why should anyone else’…But why generalize?

Sample 4 ups the “Hypocrisy” quotient by heights.  I conserve my thoughts for someone else… I defy all of them when it comes to myself. Very amusing, this. Throw in a bit of perspective for yourself and voila, there you have a moment of amusement. Unfortunately, most such people are either old or unhappy…But then again, why generalize? 😛

What comes out, is that there is zero consideration while making statements like the one above. Makes one look totally stupid and insipid with respect to thought.

In my opinion, I can find and create romance in absolutely anything. An ambience with  dim lights, good music and longing gazes can be considered once in a while. If I am pressed for time, why can’t a pub provide me with the same feeling? In fact, I get a nasty kick in gazing at someone in the middle of a crowded room! Had feelings changed with ambience we wouldn’t have had a Dirty Dancing or a Kal Ho Naa Ho for that matter.

The co-relation factors in our society are skewed. And people aren’t’ helping either. Romance is co-related with commitment; if it turns out to be a brief liaison, it is not romance…Laughable. No complaints though. It isnt a single person behaviour, but an idiosyncrasy. 🙂

It is important to not let our shadows take over our conscious conversations..We most often than not end up making a fool of ourselves in the wise one’s eyes.. Again, totally my perception though. Freedom of speech, cannot be restricted (I secretly wish it could :P)

Someone just mentioned ‘Envy’ to be a very big factor in skewing perceptions. What would you say?

More on this later.