What I Am..
**I turned a year older the Sunday before last. Apart from the fact that I have successfully taken a step closer to the grave, I also think I have taken a step inward to see myself clearly. This post is about that feeling. Caution – The essay is fairly narcissistic. **
I have always believed myself to be a bit of a wreck. Sometimes, even out of turn. You know, that feeling, when you think you don’t know what is the higher purpose of life? That feeling has gripped me for the maximum time in the past years. And that has caused me to make mistakes. Some big, some small. The gravity of each mistake has made me a little saner in turn.
When I was five, everyone around me asked what I wanted to become. My answers were people like a bus conductor or a police inspector. When I turned thirteen, they asked again. And I answered an astrophysicist or something like that. And while I am in my late 20’s, they still want an answer. An answer which may sound serious to them while it probably sounds incredibly stupid to me.
And so, while I politely refrain from answering the question, deep inside, I know.
I’d want to toy with the idea of being a maverick. Make mistakes, get damaged, heal and make some more mistakes. Narrow down on choices of who I’d rather be, ultimately committing to that one Me which would be bound in ways more than one, to things that make me happy.
The whole of last year has been incredibly path-breaking in that sense. There was not a single time when mistakes seemed grave enough to paddle me into the quicksand of its evil cousins – doubt and insecurity. While I remained completely out of my element (that of less writing, lesser talking and least thinking), I enjoyed getting introduced to “make-shift” friends – the kinds who come into your life, play their part, seek their gratification and leave. (Quite a win-win, I’d say). I had the privilege of lusting on the finer things in life and even acquire some, dare I say. And in most shocking of all revelations, I could easily appear insanely shallow to people who had nothing to do with depth of any sort!
I don’t really know whether I have grown any wiser or not, but I certainly experienced upheaval of some sort. More like a part of me that I never knew existed.
That of healing and being healed.
Reaction to worldly mistakes and its damages needs admittance. And as these mistakes pile on our deceptive “shoulders”, it becomes increasingly difficult to let them out. And while one turns cathartic, somewhere there is an incredibly strong ray of hope of being heard by the “right one”. The one who’d make you to believe.
I was happy to find one such person.
From finding adventurousness to shrugging it off, I’ve concluded that the certainty of where you are and where you will be will always tend to zero. And no matter how old you get, you will never know whether what you do is right for you in the first place.
And so, only for the next 10 years, I know exactly what I want to do.
Make a difference. ‘Cos it is hard to 🙂
“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. It’s as though it had all just come into existence.
I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.” – Christopher Isherwood