Thought Diarrhoea

There should be a segment on “Wanderlust” on the radio for night lovers like me. There may be a Hindi equivalent of it running somewhere..I guess I am just too lazy to look it up.

Life in my new house is moving along. At a pace, that is very very new to me. From a laidback, mommy-driven routine of life to an independent, surprisingly busy yet lovable life; it is quite a stark change. In all this, the summer heat and Mumbai traffic have tried and tested my patience already. I could probably use this as an excuse for writing in, for a long time. Bah.

And then last night I figured, we’re in the month of June already. Six months since I was sitting on a secluded beach and making sand castles out of my desires for the upcoming year. And June reminds me of last year. When all that was there on my mind, to make life special for the special ones in my life then.

I was quite a fool, yeah.

The truth is, I have been distracted lately. Whatever time I’ve had to myself has been filled with these philosophical reflections (which is almost all the time). Nothing life altering, but just deep thoughts. And while I am at it, I end up looking like this.

Duh.

I don’t remember when I became this version of myself who started feeling the pangs of being an individual different from the rest. Don’t ask me the basis of this ridiculous idea, there was no thought behind it. By 14, I was very certain that I wasn’t related to my parents..My brother might have been a connection from my last birth (but off late, the cadence of his voice from far far away makes me feel otherwise).. And since then, I was riddled with despair that I’ve gotto live it by myself. I began stashing the leftover coins and notes from the table, wallets of random family people, etc. into an old, pink, torn out purse. Waiting to ready myself for the big bad world. I cannot explain how thankful I am to that feeling now. It probably, made me the person I am today.

There is a bigger question looming in my thoughts now.

What next?

My plot succeeded and I am doing whatever I finally want to do. I lead a small life – a small, but valuable life.

Just that I now wonder do I live it because I like it or because I haven’t been valiant enough to dream big? Probably chasing a high flying dream, would’ve made me feel better?

I don’t really want an answer. Just wanted to vomit this feeling out before it takes hold of me.

So, Barf.

“Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Pile on many more layers and I’ll be joining you there.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
And we’ll bask in the shadow of yesterday’s triumph,
and sail on the steel breeze.
Come on you boy child, you winner and loser,
come on you miner for truth and delusion, and shine! “

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