Day of the Jackass
* After zillions of editions, this baby is ready to be posted *
Few times in your life, you get a chance to review some very important situations that may have occurred in your past life.. and most of the times, when you look back at them, you realise what a jackass you’ve been to even be in those situations… Well, I’ve been there a few times and this is a vivid description of one of those situations…
Back in 2004, I used to be a complete geek.. A jhola chaap loser who’s main aim in life was to sit by other geeks in different places (Marine Drive, the IIT-B side of Powai lake) and talk shit. About philosophy, physics and relationships. And I was (probably still am) one of those people who wanted to talk about situations in my life and seek sane solutions from close friends (since I did not really have any of those coming from my immediate environment)…That was when, I met a certain person… Umm, lets name him Bloody Fool.
He was a friend of mine but made an effort to reach out to me from time to time…For me, BF, seemed to be the man of every woman’s dreams…He was a naval officer, he was fun, he was understanding and most importantly, he kept the conversation alive! The kinds who isn’t intrusive initially, gives you the time to open up and then shows possession in ways that only you could understand … It was sort of an instant hit for me, since, it was a give and take of equal, unselfish attention and before I knew it, I was spending most of my time, talking to him, over the phone, over long walks by the sea, doing all the simple things that we could do (watching a movie in a single theater cinema in town, taking a ferry ride to the middle of the sea and back)… It was Bliss.
It was almost a year since we started talking, hinting at being there for each other all the time,remaining oblivious to friends, making them understand that certain priorities have changed and loafing around could be done sometime else as well. [dont hate me for this Calvin 🙂 ] ..On New Years’ eve 2004, BF proposed before midnight…No asking out (that was already being done without really saying it)… directly marriage. After a lot of “proper talking”, we were committed to each other.
I committed the biggest folly of my life then. The focus of my life changed and priorities compromised upon. (Not that it did not bring happiness then, but it affected me when it did not. )…And like any first timer, trust was undoubted. (it actually went on till the March of 2008, didn’t it Pinchi? )
After two good years of courtship, fair amounts of arguments began and just when the trust began to dwindle, there was a stark realization. That, appearances indeed were deceptive. There were a lot of lies that went unnoticed, a lot of uncomfortable situations that were overlooked in the past just to make the other one happy..and when the reviewing began, everything seemed not so good anymore. It was disturbing and blaming myself for the situation, the responsibility of getting it right also landed on me. I guess, it was too late by then though..
Not going too much into details, in the winter of 2007, I realized that I was being two timed since 2004.. when, a certain voice clip mentioning the three words whispered to me every night before going to sleep were being whispered to someone else as I heard it. And then we got back to being acquaintances.
The most painful part of the whole activity of being acquaintances is the fact that while the other person moves on with all his might.. you have to begin right from scratch. And that is where this feeling crept in. The feeling of being a Jackass.
They say, when everything is going perfect, there is something definitely wrong with the world you live in. I could’ve seen it coming.. considering that I was the one who always showed possession, the emotional one , who hugged and made at the drop of a hat, who never grew emotionally distant even if he “apparently” was busy with top secret work… That is where the feeling crept in. The one feeling of being a Jackass. Left, in the middle of nowhere.
That day saw the demise of BF.
BF tied the knot exactly 11 months back and still remains an acquaintance. The freaking little p***sy of a man that he is, BF unscrewed the goodness arm off me. I felt like Sally (from Harry Met Sally) on the night of his wedding(just like the first three minutes…click here to know what i mean) and prayed for Revelation to set in . He did. But not for long. More on it later 😉
Well, the day of the jackass, left me with a stubborn, cynical mind and an emotionally detached heart that was mentioned in the latter part of this ..Needless to say, heartbreaks have been a regular occurrence since then.
I probably dint say much..Unfortunately when I do now, not many understand. This one’s for the ones who wanted me to open up.
@Calvin,@Jo, @ Gurdeep, @BK, @Smits : Hope you guys are happy now.
@Pinchi : Dude, wait worth it? Add your kind comments for the BF and it would be much more funnier 🙂
“Every exit passed is not a permanently lost opportunity. Not necessarily. Sometimes, we swerve away from things for which the time is not right. Things we’re not ready to appreciate or invest in fully enough. But if we’re really fortunate, maybe there is a chance that those opportunities can come back to us. Grabbing the moment to say how you feel, is something very fortunate ones can do. If you think you can, let it be known before the exit becomes a permanently lost opportunity“