I am a little tired.
In the past few months, I managed to try my hand at love. After The Day of The Jackass (which I will talk about soon), the Devdas mood had set in and occasionally I used to call out to the world saying,
“Kaun kambakht bardasht karnay ko peeta hai hum to peete hain ki yahan par bhaith sakain (looking at the mirror) tumhein dekh sakain, tumhain bardasht kar sakain, behosh ho sakain, gadhe ko bhula sakain, par chandramukhi (thats me in the mirror), yeh gadhe ki yaad hamain hosh khone nahi deti, kyun itna peene ke baad bhi uski yaad hame satati hai din raat kyun? … ”
And this used to continue till the time laughter set in so hard, that I used to fall off my chair and then sleep.
Then came Revelation.
Have you ever felt very vaguely comfortable with someone who in no way is even close to being similar to you? or have you ever met someone with almost the same pitstops in life as you almost at the very same time that you’ve had it? well, if yes, you would exactly know what “vaguely comfortable” would mean. However, if you have not experienced it, you might not understand half the things that I might state here.
After a long time, I felt amorous. Moreso comfortable in sharing shit.The last time I felt this way was in somewhere in Jan 2008. Something within me gave way and overnight, I found myself in lingering thoughts of a well known acquaintance (by then).
So I fell for Revelation and needless to say with all our differences we fell apart much earlier than I thought we would have. All this, over a period of time.And what came out as a Big Red Alert for me, was my inability to open up.
In had a question for the big void that existed somewhere in my galaxy of thoughts.
Have I grown indifferent?
I have understood how to love selflessly. But in return, it was a well taught lesson in selfishness that I received from some jackass I was with for 5 years. Since controlling myself was all that I did then, the impact of it probably demented my nature forever. I did move on eventually, but living by oneself for a long time, confined me within thoughts of my own and then since I thought I was always right, opinions mattered but the decision was mine. Most of these decisions were out of a stubborn condition of contradicting someone else’s opinion and doing it my way to see what the outcome would be.
So now, I have a thought and an activity that trails behind the thought. But to express it to someone is a subject of my control. Why?
I fear a biased judgement. Probably.
There is a fence that we all build around us. And de-fencing happens when you think it is time to let go of inhibitions. But ofcourse, people and patience may not always go hand in hand. So working on it will only happen over a period of time.
I have been fending for myself for so long that it almost seems impossible to change, unless it is inspired. And given the difficult being I am, inspiration would have to overcome the apt and timely cynicism that is invoked in me almost every moment of my life.
So then continuing with my trail of thoughts, I might have to first find a person who would choose to be my very personal “non-judgemental” dumping ground. I offer to return the favour by being good to them and not evil in any sense, but it has to be someone very loving and less critical. Just an assumption though. Dont know whether it would work.
Or else, I have this place to vent in anyhow.
I indeed am tired. And currently in the “Random Rant” mode. Maybe, I should just take a nap.