De-fending myself.

I am a little tired.

In the past few months, I managed to try my hand at love. After The Day of The Jackass (which I will talk about soon), the Devdas mood had set in  and occasionally I used to call out to the world saying,

“Kaun kambakht bardasht karnay ko peeta hai hum to peete hain ki yahan par bhaith sakain (looking at the mirror) tumhein dekh sakain, tumhain bardasht kar sakain, behosh ho sakain, gadhe ko bhula sakain, par chandramukhi (thats me in the mirror), yeh gadhe ki yaad hamain hosh khone nahi deti, kyun itna peene ke baad bhi uski yaad hame satati hai din raat kyun? … ”

And this used to continue till the time laughter set in so hard, that I used to fall off my chair and then sleep.

Then came Revelation.

Have you ever felt very vaguely comfortable with someone who in no way is even close to being similar to you?  or have you ever met someone with almost the same pitstops in life as you almost at the very same time that you’ve had it? well, if yes, you would exactly know what “vaguely comfortable” would mean. However, if you have not experienced it, you might not understand half the things that I might state here.

After a long time, I felt amorous. Moreso comfortable in sharing shit.The last time I felt this way was in somewhere in Jan 2008. Something within me gave way and overnight, I found myself in lingering thoughts of a well known acquaintance (by then).

So I fell for Revelation and needless to say with all our differences we fell apart much earlier than I thought we would have. All this, over a period of time.And what came out as a Big Red Alert for me, was my inability to open up.

In  had a question for the big void that existed somewhere in my galaxy of thoughts.

Have I grown indifferent?

I have understood how to love selflessly. But in return, it was a well taught lesson in selfishness that I received from some jackass I was with for 5 years. Since controlling  myself was all that I did then, the impact of it probably demented my nature forever. I did move on eventually, but living by oneself for a long time, confined me within thoughts of my own and then since I thought I was always right, opinions mattered but the decision was mine. Most of these decisions were out of a stubborn condition of contradicting someone else’s opinion and doing it my way to see what the outcome would be.

So now, I have a thought and an activity that trails behind the thought. But to express it to someone is a subject of my control. Why?

I fear a biased judgement. Probably.

There is a fence that we all build around us. And de-fencing happens when you think it is time to let go of inhibitions. But ofcourse, people and patience may not always go hand in hand. So working on it will only happen over a period of time.

I have been fending for myself for so long that it almost seems impossible to change, unless it is inspired. And given the difficult being I am, inspiration would have to overcome the apt and timely cynicism that is invoked in me almost every moment of my life.

So then continuing with my trail of thoughts, I might have to first find a person who would choose to be my very personal “non-judgemental” dumping ground. I offer to return the favour by being good to them and not evil in any sense, but it has to be someone very loving and less critical. Just an assumption though. Dont know whether it would work.

Or else, I have this place to vent in anyhow.

I indeed am tired. And currently in the “Random Rant” mode. Maybe, I should just take a nap.

Later.

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6 Comments on “De-fending myself.

  1. take it easy girl ! everything will work out and you know you’ll find love in the most unlikely places. don’t focus on your perceived negatives, just live life and let the blessings flow. ok, gyan session over. now for the serious stuff. when you have a blog like this and you can create magic with words, why the hell do you need a man ? 😉

  2. It is indeed slightly random, and portions of it I didn’t understand, but most of it I did.

    I’m not sure if strangers should be commenting on personal posts like this. If you think I shouldn’t, please delete it.

    About the indifference part, it’s completely understandable. Only, it makes me wonder why you waited 5 years?

    As for finding someone who can act as your “dumpster” and not judge you for anything you do…difficult thing to find. I had someone like that, and I loved her 🙂 . Unfortunately, didn’t last. It’s not very easy to find people who you can tell your worst secrets to, your inhibitions and insecurities, and still have them like you just the same for who you are.

    • hmmm.. well, truth was that i was with someone for 5 years and since everything revolved around that one thing, i sidelined a lot of things which included the chance to find a non judgemental individual. little did i realise,that the enthusiasm to find someone is there only for a certain time. the focal point distanced itself right when i was close to the bull’s eye. it left him with a spouse and me to start from scratch. no regrets though.
      i think i have a lack of trust that was not mentioned in the post. the thought of being with someone else is new and scary. the understanding however was only limited to myself. i never really thought that there would be others who could feel the same way.
      i know it is difficult. what makes it difficult further, is my cynical attitude to the whole thing.
      ahh well.

      • The lack of trust was assumed.

        And everyone, at least to some extent, is a bit like you. No one finds a ‘confidant(e)’ so easily. There are a lot of walls to break, and it’s a process. And I know this because I’ve seen it happen, not only with me, but also with a lot of my friends.

        🙂

        And like Pan said, you will find love, everyone does. The only thing we sometimes need to change is our expectation from our relationships. But that’s something else completely, and I’d rather not start writing about that, I can go on and on. 😛

        Side note: I’m leaving Bombay on June 2, first flight out of the airport. 🙂

      • well, i think this conversation is one of those random emotions one has when one has to crib at the things that have gone wrong. It doesnt happen to me often.
        I dont believe in breaking walls… I think given a chance every human will want to let their guard down and consequently allow someone else to let theirs down as well. the matter of choice is absurd according to me. the most interesting people to lose your mind to are the ones who arent like you or anywhere close to being like you. why? cos they probably dont know what you are talking about and even if they do, because of their different natures, they will only bring fresh ideas and thoughts into your life. listening is one thing,judgement of thoughts is another and then talking about it is the third… i think it is just about giving somebody that chance.
        we limit ourselves externally to keep ourselves from hurting.. but we somehow dont realise that the filtering process more often than once can cause a lot of loss.
        ohh, you should stay some more, Mumbai in the rains is amazing 🙂

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