Key to Fantastic Friendships and Long Lasting Relationships..

Haha, although the subject looks like one coming directly from some famous self help books… Its not :X .. It is “Gyaan Badhaao cum Catching Wonderful Thought Glow Worms” time of the night and hence, it is imperative to write this down.

When was the last time someone you looked upto showed Faith in you? Not the “I-know-you-wont-let-me-down-yet-let-me-have-a-backup-plan-in case -you-do” faith. Instead the “I-know-you-wont-let-me-down. And-even-if-you-do-I-wont-stop-loving-you” kind of faith? Keep uhmmm-ing and you will find no answer.. Happened the same way with me.

It is such a fast paced world, that we somehow manage to relate faith directly to the expectations we have off a person. Think about this.. Say you fall in love with a person.. You finally manage to get to the person and then after being in a relationship for sometime, think .. ahh well, not quite what I would have expected..I cant quite trust someone who does X,Y and Z and does not conform to A,B and C.. It would simply be ridiculous to even think you wanted a relationship out of a person, cos what you were doing in the first place was chalking out a plan to get to the person first, nurture them and then tutor them about your needs. In your defence, this in turn will lead you to trust them and put your faith in them”.  Quite expected. Off feeble souls who in due course of time turn utterly selfish in their desperation to allay their innermost fears.

Lets talk about the same case from a different perspective. Say you fall in love.. You finally manage to get to the person and then after being in a relationship for sometime.. You think, ahh well, not quite what I would have expected…Now here comes the twist.. You sit yourself down and think about the love that you have for this person and where and how did it stem from.. You see the person loving you,respecting you, caring for you in the same manner as you do. Then what is it that is amiss?

My answer. Blind faith.

Trust is the simple thread that holds the gist to all relationships. It is absolutely necessary to keep the reassurance going in each other by keeping that faith more on the love that you hold for the other person and the fact that the other person entrusts you with their faith out of sheer affection. Nothing negative can ever come in your way when you think that ” so what if my expectations are NOT conformed on x,y and z grounds.. it has to be the other way round on some grounds I ain’t even aware of!” .. Co-ordinating the mind with the soul comes out of pure, unadulterated, undiluted love which is rare in the first place. In most cases, it isn’t even love. It probably just is the idea of being in love. Relationships built on such a foundation can only faulter. The ones built only on expectations, as rightly mentioned by someone will “exist vaguely” and there will be no sense of attachment whatsoever. Such relationships later turn out to be Acquaintances 🙂

I was sitting at a coffee table and listening to someone very intently telling how much he loves his better half..And I asked him why? To which he mentioned, “A, we are so similar in nature that I feel we are just made for each other” … That set me thinking, would it be really right to say that ” Similarities” form the bond that you share with your loved ones?

My parents have nothing in common.. But they had a love marriage. After years of pondering over how they might have been the way they have been, I figured, that in their 33 years of marriage, ma baba had only trusted each other like nobody else I had seen in my life. The moment there was a guest scheduled to come home, without letting ma know or do anything, baba used to go out and get a bunch of snacks for the guests to have.. Ma on the other hand, would lend baba the ear to listen to all his cribs right from work to the club, over a hot cup of tea every evening.

When I say Blind faith, being non-judgemental forms a major part of being that way. Had ma thought about baba exaggerating a situation and make it sound critical, she would have slowly lost interest in whatever he said. But being non-judgemental only assured her of him coming back to only her at the end of the day to share his life’s problems. It made him feel like he has someone he can talk a bunch load of crap to as well.. That is loving someone!

The contentment out of such an interaction makes one so happy, that there is nothing but love and the future to think about later. Similarities, expectations and the likes take a back seat when you are absolutely sure of loving the person and accomodating their nuances like the way they do yours.

The same thing goes with friendships. Ever wondered why we are the best of friends with people who have been with us for a very long period of time? That is cos we chose to lose our inhibitions about trust the first time we laughed, hugged, cried and cribbed with them. And we often make fast friends with people whom we choose to trust instantaneously. Who ever said faith took time to instill?

“It is only when we learn to instill faith in ourselves, will we ever be able to love someone else dearly”

I have been in a few relationships and the only thing that worked for me there was to bridging the difference by loving unconditionally and trusting blindly. Half my cynicism was out of the window, when I was trusted the way I was without being judged and it only intensified when  it was the other way round.

Sad part is, people have forgotten what an amazing kick it is to take the chance of keeping the faith in someone and see how well it is reciprocated.

“Fear knocked at the door.  Faith answered.  And lo, no one was there.  ~Author Unknown”

My coffin calls. Later.

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10 Comments on “Key to Fantastic Friendships and Long Lasting Relationships..

  1. I did write a very long reply point by point with my experiences and views. Ultimately i realized after 5 paragraphs that i was writing it for myself so i deleted all of it.

    Bottom line: I chose happiness and hope everyone gets opportunity to make that choice.

    You write well , hat off

  2. We are unique and so are relationships. A relationship happens with the heart otherwise its just a word describing time-pass. Heart is not a constant thing, it flutters, it has fears and hopes, it has selfish moments and selfless once. But most important thing a heart does is it allows us to feel every moment whether good or bad and give it such a significance that long after all our mundane memories of life are gone, it has bookmarked the special and significant moments of our lives. What i am trying to say is that if a relationship is happening in the mind, its not right. Friendships make no sense, love is even more senseless and that is how it should be. There should be no reasons to examine for their existence nor should we expect these relationships to remain the same. Its like telling a flowing river to remain still or for time to freeze in a moment. Love is a blessing and grace and we should respect it as such.

    No matter the reasons or opinions i always try to do what feels right and be true to my own voice. My partner also follows his heart regardless of all outside influences. He is my safe place in this world as I am his.

    Although above statement is true, it did not come about easily. I am first to admit that i do suffer from lack of trust with no cause but my consciousness tells me that to give in to fears is to be defeated. I want to live my life fully, and to do that i have to overcome all pain from betrayal in my past, all negative thoughts and the most hard part is to overcome the feeling of walking on quicksand, of life turning upside down within a second .Nature of life is to surprise us, to change in unexpected ways and holds true even in love. I think being able to trust someone with your heart after you are fully aware of the danger is even more special than trusting someone blindly.

    As far as unconditional love, all love is unconditional otherwise its not love. It belongs to the person who loves regardless if the other person wants it or not which is sad because sometimes that is the case. But if this is the situation and you are still alive then it is a prep course for the real thing. Consider what it will be like to throw yourself off a cliff for the second time, this time without any hope for survival.

    • Hey Madeline,

      Firstly would want to thank you for your dropping by the blog and commenting on it. Your way with words is very smooth, I must say. However, few things I would like to point out here..
      1. Moments, irrespective of how good or bad they were do hold significance somewhere within our hearts. But what happens when the pattern of moments turn out to be similar and predictably good or bad? Even if love is considered to be what it truly is.. A blessing, how many of us actually not look at love as an escape or solace?

      2. Listening to and being true to the voice in your heart is subjective. You voice can tell you that a person who is a rogue in real life is your true soulmate..Would you still listen to it and go out with him? If you would have, then it is safe for me to say, that you live in an impractical world. I am sure, your partner and you are fantastic when it comes to being for each other, but what truly determines your relationship, is the no-expectation-only-love condition that you are in right now. Tomorrow, if God forbid, there is a break in mutual trust/faith, would you still feel the same way? And then after being together for eons, would you not want to examine the reasons of existence of your relationship? Think about it.

      3. It is said that, “If I love you, what business is it of yours?”..Hence I agree that love belongs to the one who loves, but it only begins with an expectation of reciprocation. When it is, life is beautiful.. when it doesn’t, it is let go time for some while revengeful for someone else. Do you really now think that it can be unconditional,where the basic starting point itself comes with a condition? Just being logical, thats it.

      4. Nature of life is to surprise you, but isnt it also nature of life to “condition” you? When one lacks trust without a reason, it takes much more effort from the one loving them, to keep them kicked for the real thing. Now whether they are game for it, decides the further course of love. Not all would want to be thrown off the cliff and the post itself was just an idea to take that one chance to get what one truly deserves. Happiness.

      5. Having said all of the above, I am a part romantic as well. For me, what goes is, the fact that we do live in a cynical world. And it is a beautiful feeling to even have found someone to trust for ourselves and “vice versa” ..To hold onto it, is something that takes the effort. To calculate its worth, shows how feeble we are. To take it as it comes, is brilliant hence. Saves us the soul-searching and stops the mind from being provoked into keeping pace with changing emotions. Still water always runs deep. Once it moves, it stops only at places where it can afford to stay the way it is.

  3. Hey !!! very interesting conversation i think, i agree to both of u’ll what i can only say is Ana, you are are a complete cynic.. where as Priyanka is grounded.

    My views : Just that it is the whole package of trust,faith not ‘blind’ faith i do no agree on that..caring and sharing your whole life.. without inhibitions with a dose of frictions/debates/spates is what makes a relation work. This is in short.

  4. My take on “Expectations”:

    It makes sense that a relationship based *only* on expectations is doomed. But think about this… despite the ‘deep connection’ and ‘blind faith’ and everything, and some level we meet each others’ expectations after all!

    If you trust that your partner will not let you down (‘letting down’ can have different meanings for different people — let’s not get into that), at some level you expect that he/she should not let you down. When the trust is broken, the expectation is not met and the relationship ends. Forgive me if I sound too dry and unromantic, but the measure of happiness in a relationship (or in life generally) is the ratio of met expectations to all expectations. In this ratio, while the numerator is beyond our control and depends on the other person, the denominator totally depends on us! Does that mean you should have no expectations from anybody/anything and be happy? That is no fun. There’s gotta be a balance to this. “Figuring out several things”, “getting things right”, “growing as a couple”, “discovering each other as well as oneself” are all a part of trying to achieve this balance.

    Going a step further, I would say a relationship becomes truly special and precious when you sometimes get more than what you expect and are pleasantly surprised. When you dad went out to get snacks for the guests without your mom having to tell him to do so, she probably got more than what she had expected and was delighted about that. At the same time, she was sensitive to his emotional needs that he needs to talk and vent off at the end of the day and lent him an ear. If he was the quiet, introvert types and who wants to forget all about work when he comes home, and she had nagged him to talk about it, that wouldn’t have worked very well. But they have ‘grown together’ over the years and gotten things right 🙂 Lucky them! (and wise too!)

    I sometimes feel that the whole man-woman relationship thing is over-simplified by attributing it to “unconditional love”. You have to be wise to be happy in a relationship. It seems to me that most people (like our parents for eg) acquire that wisdom on-the-go, hardly anyone is born with it. Which is good, because that still leaves some hope for me 😀

  5. However, everything begins and ends with the mutual faith >>>
    >>> Ok, I’d say mutual faith is necessary, but not sufficient.

    what happens in a scenario, when you have a “deep connection”, but since you cannot “trust” the person, you cannot figure anything “together”? >>>
    >>> I have always perceived mutual trust and faith as an inherent part of that ‘deep connection’. It is hard for me to imagine that they exist exclusive of each other, maybe because I have never experienced them in this way and due to my inability to extrapolate. So I guess I don’t qualify to comment on this.

    What about relationships that cannot have a “deep connection” in the first place? Case in point being arranged marriages. “Blind faith” alone can solve issues in such a condition..dont you think?>>>
    >>>> I agree that “blind” faith plays a major role in arranged-marriage scenarios as compared to other relationships. But since I’ve said that it is necessary but not sufficient, I am not sure it can “solve issues”. Maybe it can prevent the “creation” of certain issues 🙂

    Ok, to summarize, mutual trust does not solve *all* challenges of a relationship. But it’s lack means the relationship is doomed. How’bout that?

    • Bingo! It doesn’t solve all issues, it is necessary not compulsorily a requisite for a good relationship.

      About expectations, yes i completely agree.. wisdom is an attribute one has to acquire and develop in due course of time in a relationship. just one question however, what would make you go that extra mile to give the one you love something more than just expected?

      Ahh yes! The fact about letting down, yes… everything comes as a package while trying to level that denominator .. But wouldnt it be drastically different with respect to the two people in the relationship? what if they are so drastically different, that the chance of the numerator increasing is almost next to nil? and even after all this, there is some strong affinity that keeps getting the two people together.. what would that feeling be then defined as? i hope not foolishness 😀

  6. Mutual faith and trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship as you have pointed out, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is THE KEY. In fact, don’t think there is “A” key to a satisfying, fulfilling relationship. You have to get several things right and it is given that you will not get them right at once or all the time. When there are two different individuals involved, there is bound to be friction. Figuring out those several things and getting them right is a part of “growing together” as a couple and discovering each other as well as your own self. What is important is that you should be able to have fun together in this process. There is no doubt that there also has to be a “deep connection” to start with that will bind you together through this process and there has to be mutual trust too.

    I agree with you that similarities in likes and dislikes, tastes are not of very much importance. In fact, if you are not careful enough, matching of these tastes can give you a false impression of compatibility.

    About “pure, unadulterated, undiluted love”… in my (very personal — no offense intended) opinion, these adjectives are more suitable for desi ghee rather than a subtle emotion. Love is. It just is. How can there be pure love and impure love? Or undiluted love and diluted love? It is very often a feeling that’s hard to identify or put a finger on. Once you have done that for yourself, it certainly is a great relief and ecstasy at the same time.

    About expectations and unconditional love, you have just gotten me started on my pet topic for philosophizing :p More, later.

    • Ahaa! Just the kind of reaction i expected, to begin with a discussion on this..Ok pointwise…
      1.“Mutual faith and trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship as you have pointed out, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is THE KEY. In fact, don’t think there is “A” key to a satisfying, fulfilling relationship. You have to get several things right and it is given that you will not get them right at once or all the time”
      To which I say, Agreed… Never would there be a key to a satisfying, fulfilling relationship. However, everything begins and ends with the mutual faith. It is your trust in a person that opens you up to them in the first place.. It is also when the trust is broken, that it is the end of the relationship.

      2. “When there are two different individuals involved, there is bound to be friction. Figuring out those several things and getting them right is a part of “growing together” as a couple and discovering each other as well as your own self. What is important is that you should be able to have fun together in this process. There is no doubt that there also has to be a “deep connection” to start with that will bind you together through this process and there has to be mutual trust too.”
      To which I say, perfectly placed! However, what happens in a scenario, when you have a “deep connection”, but since you cannot “trust” the person, you cannot figure anything “together”? ..Two people who know they love each other, but cannot get beyond the needs of their Selves first, can never ever figure things together ..That is atleast with relationships that are formed due to a “connection”.. What about relationships that cannot have a “deep connection” in the first place? Case in point being arranged marriages. “Blind faith” alone can solve issues in such a condition..dont you think?

      3. “About “pure, unadulterated, undiluted love”… in my (very personal — no offense intended) opinion, these adjectives are more suitable for desi ghee rather than a subtle emotion. Love is. It just is.”
      You and me can figure this out Priya.. Love is just what it is…The usage of words weren’t meant to be understood literally.. From a purely emotional point of view, adulteration,dilution and the likes of the feeling happen when you assign your emotions with set expectations. impure love is just a metaphor for love which now has boundaries and reasons. think about it.

      I am waiting for more. Not later but soon enough 🙂

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